Burn One Down
Et Tu, Adriana?
Besides being a clear sign from Adriana that our pretend relationship is over (she could have at least called, or even texted me… it hurts so bad to have to hear it from the tabloids), this union is wrong on many, many, many levels.
First of all, look at her, in all of her smokey, über-hotness:
Now look at his goofy ass pretending to play defense:
There’s an obvious disproportion of beauty and talent within this matrimonial union. She’s one of the top paid underwear models on earth (a feat that requires oodles of talent, I’m sure.) He , on the other hand, averages 1.7 points and 1 rebound per game for one of the worst teams in the league and is probably mere days from being cut (as in, fired, not “cut” cut, although, I do carry a knife on me…)
And this might just be pure speculation on my part, but I think there’s now enough visual evidence to prove once and for all that he’s one of the Goons from Plunder Island in the Popeye cartoons:
Sure, you might have fooled the world’s hottest girl and three NBA team (as well as three other European teams —this guy has been involved in more trades than the NASDAQ) into thinking you’re some sort of basketball player, but I’m onto you, Marko.
Watch it.
Gran Turismo
Determination. Sacrifice. Dedication.
Maybe I’ve been playing too much Forza Motorsports 2 lately, but how else would you describe this scene from the Rallye des Serrians, in France, where a driver rode on the engine in order to operate the throttle after a cable snapped in the final stretch of the stage. The navigator steered the car while this intrepid soul hung on under the hood.
Watch the video for further amusement:
Redemption
The Tennessee Titans are undefeated after the first 5 games of the season.
Don’t sleep on them, America– they are for real.
Defenses like theirs win championships.
I’m just sayin’…
Yet Another Reason To Abolish All Religions And Other Superstitious Nonsense
I thought steroids were the biggest problem facing athletic competition today. I completely overlooked the use of witchcraft.
That is, until I learned today that thirteen people, mostly children between the ages of 11 and 16, were killed this last Sunday when a riot broke out during a soccer match in Butembo, a city in eastern Congo.
It appears that the cause of the fracas was the goalkeeper of the losing team, who reportedly ran up the pitch chanting fetishist spells in an attempt to change the course of the match. Soon thereafter, the players began fighting on the field and fans joined in en masse, which forced the local police to start shooting tear gas in the stadium and hence, thirteen children died suffocated in the ensuing rush for the exits.
The use of charms and chants is common within the Congolese, who practice their own traditional animism –a belief system, much like voodoo, that attributes souls to objects, plants and animals in addition to humans.
Apparently, its use during a sporting match is seen as unsportsmanlike.
And rightly so. I mean, I can’t count the times that my team’s lost a match because the opposing team turned my striker into a horned toad right before a sure goal or shrank the goalkeeper to half his normal size during a penalty kick. It’s so unfair. It’s to be expected in a Quiddich match¹, but really, it should not be tolerated anywhere else.
¹Seriously, did I just use a Harry Potter reference?! I’ve never even read the books or seen any of the movies. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Never again. Never again.
Tales Of The Ridiculous!
Football player/entertainer-extraordinaire Chad Johnson has legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco so that he can display the self-appointed nickname on the back of his Cincinnati Bengal jersey this season. Since the name change is legal, the NFL can’t penalize him for this.
This is just the latest of many stunts by Johnson (my favorite being a foot race against a horse last year –which he won!) to try to remind the league that football is still just entertainment and that it shouldn’t take itself so seriously.
Good for him.
I hope more players take this initiative and maybe we’ll get to hear Al Michaels say something like this:
Cheese Pizza snaps the ball to Cooter-Scooter. He drops back and fakes the hand-off to Boogie King. Lil’ Cri-Cri covers the blitzing linebacker, Pop Off, and holds him, huh, off. Lollipop Lick’em comes open on the sideline, catches the pass from Cooter-Scooter and gets pushed out of bounds by Slim Pecka. So, it’s Cooter-Scooter to Lollipop Lick’em for a 27-yard gain. We’ll be right back after these messages…
Indomitable
If success achieved in Olympic competition is any indication of the particular skills that nations possess, then I advise you not to fuck with an Italian.
If an event involved violence, bodily harm or weapons, we had it down:
Boxing: Men (Super Heavy) – Gold
Boxing: Men (Heavy) – Silver
Boxing: Men (Fly) – Bronze
Greco-Roman Wrestling: Men (84Kg) – Gold
Taekwondo: Men (80Kg) – Silver
Judo: Women (57Kg) – Gold
Archery: Men’s Team – Silver
Shooting: Men’s Trap – Silver
Shooting: Men’s Double Trap – Silver
Shooting: Women’s Skeet – Gold
Fencing: Women’s Individual Foil – Gold
Fencing: Women’s Team Foil – Bronze
Fencing: Men’s Individual Foil – Bronze
Fencing: Men’s Individual Epee – Gold
Fencing: Men’s Team Epee – Bronze
Fencing: Men’s Team Sabre – Bronze
And don’t even think about running, ’cause we’ll catch you, no matter if by land or sea:
Athletics: Men’s 50Km Walk – Gold
Athletics: Women’s 20km Walk – Bronze
Road Cycling: Men’s Road Race – Silver
Road Cycling: Women’s Road Race – Bronze
Swimming: Women’s 200m Freestyle – Gold
Swimming: Women’s 800m Freestyle – Silver
Flat Water Canoe/Kayak: Men’s Kayak Double 1000m – Bronze
Flat Water Canoe/Kayak: Women’s Kayak Single 500m Women – Silver
Rowing: Men’s Quadruple Sculls – Silver
Sailing: Men’s One person Dingy – Bronze
Sailing: Women’s Windsurfer Mistral – Silver
So keep that in mind the next time you feel like mouthing off to me or I’ll unleash my trap shooting skills and hunt you down in my dingy. No doubt.
No One Escapes With Their Dignity Intact
I don’t know if this grappling move has an official name, but “three-fingered rectal underhook” comes to mind…
Random Query
Is it weird that the 2008 Chinese national basketball team has three players who are over 7 feet tall and the US team has none?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Next thing we know, a black dude will be the world’s best golfer…
Fuck Baseball!
We have officially entered the shittiest time of the year for sports. Basketball is over and football doesn’t start for another couple of months. It’s the most depressing stretch of the year for anyone who enjoys professional physical competition. We can be thankful that at least this year the EUFA Championship and the Olympics are around to make things easier, otherwise we’d all be left with the eternal drag that is baseball, and nobody in their right mind wants that.
Baseball is the least captivating sport ever. There’s a 162 game season in the MLB, which makes single games meaningless in the big scheme of things, and it has by far the worst collection of athletes in the world. They’re mostly overweight (probably due to a testicle-shriveling coctail of performance-enhancing drugs), overpaid, egotistical motherfuckers that display the worst, most childish attitudes than any of the players of the major professional sports.
It’s the only sport where it’s acceptable for a 45 year old man (wearing a uniform, no less) to kick dirt around and act out like a fucking child if he doesn’t get his way. It’s fucking pathetic.
Their fans suck too. I assure you that anyone who watches baseball on a regular basis is horrible in bed. Don’t even try to test this, it’s a proven scientific fact.
What’s almost worse than the inflated baseball lethargy is the amount of NFL and NCAA Football speculation that we have coming to us in the offseason. Every minute detail is sure to be overanalyzed and speculated upon by every dipshit that fancies himself an expert. Rookies will be evaluated by how they run drills or by how much they can bench press without pads. Veterans will be criticized by how many practices they decide to skip or attend. Coaches will be questioned about ridiculous expectations and questionable off-season decisions. And this is months before a ball is even officially snapped!
It’s a shame that I happen to be fascinated with sports because I sure could use the time I invest in them to do more productive things with my life.
1 comment